Friday Rant #12: Home, the Heart, and Dying Fires

2007-01-13 00:00

This rant brought to you by Deadly Serious™.I’ve been thinking about my family, my friends (and lack of them), and all that other stuff that makes the social side of my life interesting. My conclusion, there’s a dearth of it.It’s like a log in a fire. The log burns longer if it stays in the fire. Passions breed passions. All my friends going off to college was pretty rough, but I was still at home every night for dinner because I was going to community college and was living at home. Now that I’m off at a real college, things are different. I’m still fairly close, and I’m actually writing this from home, but I don’t sit down to a family dinner every night. I don’t hear about my sisters’ and parents’ day, and they don’t hear about mine.For a lot of people, avoiding family dinner, and the boring conversation with family about the inane little details of their day is a blessing. At some level you know you love them, but it wears on, and you have “better things to do.” But right now, more than ever, my family is all I’ve really got. And, really, I’ve got a family that’s pretty special. We all get along, nobody hates anyone else, we don’t agree on everything but it’s never personal. My siblings are honestly friends, my parents people I trust and can talk to about a lot of things. Going off to college has really impressed on me how rare that really is, and how much I need to cherish it. I’m a damn lucky bastard for how awesome my family is.But right now, I’m a log out of the fire, and I can feel myself going out. I feel like that last cinder of a dying campfire, the one you find the next day…all alone, just barely warm to the touch, no longer glowing. Even when I come home, it’s not the same, I feel the familiar warmth, and I’m happy to be with my family, but it doesn’t feel like home used to. So right now, I’m searching. For what, I’m not sure, but I’m tired of being quite so alone as I’ve been. I’m no party animal, and I do like to be left alone quite a lot, but just having someone in the same room, or house, is comforting. I don’t know quite how to explain it, because just anyone isn’t quite what I’m looking for. This less of a rant than a plea, to whom I don’t know, but it’s cathartic, which was the point for me. Maybe it’s the last flare of fading passion, or the rebirth of a great blaze.Either way, I’m looking…

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